My own limitations

Right from the start, let me apologize for anything in this post that may be in any way offensive to anyone reading it. I don’t mean to offend, but I also don’t plan to censor my thoughts on this topic.

I’ve been volunteering at Step by Step, a ministry to pregnant teens and young single moms located in Lexington for about 7 months now. When I began with Step by Step at the beginning of September, I was so excited about the opportunity. I knew it would be hard work, and I knew I wouldn’t just “fit in” right away. I expected to be snubbed for a few months or maybe the whole year—just because I was going to be a new face and would need to prove my trustworthiness before I could enter into any real relationships with the girls. I certainly didn’t expect a cake walk, but I was committed. I didn’t know for sure that this was the population I was best suited to work with during and after grad school, but I was more than willing to give it a shot. So I took the plunge: I signed up to faithfully attend the bi-monthly meetings and co-lead a support group for the entire year (September-May)—I figured, if I’m really going to give this a shot, I’m not going to do a half-assed job.

In conjunction with the directors of Step by Step, my co-leader (who is actually THE leader of our support group; I’m there as sort of an observer/apprentice) chose to use the book Love and Respect as the main topic around which the support group would revolve. This topic was my second choice (after a group named “The Naked Truth,” which would discuss issues of sexuality, abstinence, and relationships) but as a new volunteer, I just went with my assignment.

Our support group was pretty full (4 or 5 girls) for the first two or three meetings. Girls came and went, trying to decide which group they would stick with. Of course, we hoped they would pick our group! But after the first few meetings, I had a feeling that the message of Love and Respect was not exactly applicable to young single moms. For those of you who’ve never read the book, let me give you a brief synopsis. The author’s main argument is that, according to Scripture, a man’s basic need is for respect, while a woman’s basic need is for love. In order to have a healthy marriage, then, women need to learn to unconditionally respect their husbands, and husbands must unconditionally respect their wives. The author falls just short of guaranteeing this ideal as fool-proof, and urges readers to implement his advice regardless of their spouses’ actions.

Now, I find nothing intrinsically wrong with the author’s viewpoint. In my opinion, a marriage cannot have too much love or respect, regardless of who is giving or receiving either. However, the assumptions of the book make translation and contextualization very difficult. First of all, the author assumes that not only are the readers Christians, but also that they value the covenant of marriage. Other assumptions (that are not so blatant) include a middle-class upbringing, the ability to envision future possibilities that differ from current realities, and…here’s the kicker… that the readers are white, or at least embrace the ideals of white middle-class America. Now, the average Step by Step girl has pretty much nothing in common with this picture of Eggerichs’ reader. She is very young, has at least one child (in most cases, she has at least two), has grown up in an impoverished, unstable and “mixed” family, relies heavily on welfare and other government programs to stay afloat, and is not white (or at least, not middle-class suburban white). She views marriage as a lofty ideal but will settle for a cheap engagement ring from her live-in boyfriend who sleeps around and impregnates several other women and refuses to change his behavior. She expects her life to look like what she’s always experienced.

When I leave the meeting, I get into my 2000 Honda which I own, have enough money for gas, and can legally drive because my out-of-state license hasn’t been retracted due to my minority race. I can drive home safely because I can read road signs and know what they symbolize. I know what will be happening when I arrive back at my house—which I own--in Wilmore: my healthy daughter will be comfortably asleep in her own room because my husband, who has stayed home with her the whole evening, will have changed her diaper and clothes, and will have put her to bed like every other night. When I open the front door, I know that the living room will be clean (because my husband will have picked up the toys, as he said he would), and will be sitting on our couch finishing his mid-term exam. If I feel hungry, I can grab something from the ample supply of food in our working refrigerator. If I want to check my email or watch tv, I know I can because no one will have turned of my cable. When I’m tired, I will go to bed with my husband from whom I am not worried about catching a sexually transmitted disease.

I am a white, married, middle-class American Christian woman and this is my life. And the average Step-by-Step girl has nothing in common with my experience of driving home to Wilmore.

To be honest, I can’t imagine life any other way. Yet, after working with single teen moms for only 7 months, I am completely exhausted. Their stories weigh down my heart. Their chaotic lives baffle me, and I worry about their children. Their habitual bad lifestyle choices anger me. I can’t wrap my mind around their second and third unplanned pregnancies. I don’t understand why they can’t get their lives together. But then I have to stop. What would it look like for young woman living in the inner city, stuck in poverty despite her education and motivation to work, to “get her life together?” Don’t I expect her to leave the city (and everything she’s ever known), buy a car, move into a clean apartment in the suburbs and begin attending a middle-class church? Why in the world would she ever want MY life? Yet how can she ever affect change in her own life unless she’s willing to take some serious risks?

To be honest, I feel very limited by my own station in life. It’s not just that I’m white. It’s that my vision of a healthy, normal, good life, has very very little in common with that of the average Step-by-Step girl. And to be honest, I’m not sure that I’m cut out for this kind of ministry. I used to believe that the ability to relate to another’s experience and values should not be a pre-requisite to ministering with a given population. And even now, I believe that I can minister to and effectively help most people, regardless of whether or not our experiences and values line up. But the truth is that the Step-by-Step girls can’t relate to ME, and therefore my ability to effectively minister to them is severely limited. I am the one put in the box. I am the one who can’t understand how life is for them, and so I am written off.

To be honest, this makes me really sad. I see a need that I cannot meet, even with God’s help. Should I stick with the ministry, hoping that time and shared experiences at the meetings will assist me in building relationships? Should I accept this experience for what it was, be thankful for what I’ve learned, and move on, using my energy and gifts in another capacity? If I stay, will I be motivated by a vain belief that I can build bridges and be used of God no matter where I am? If I leave, will I be giving up because “my need” to minister hasn’t been met at Step-by-Step? I hope not. I pray that God will give me a true and honest perspective of my capabilities and fitness to minister at Step-by-Step, staying if He impresses upon me to do so, or leaving for the same reason.