A day in the life, March 31, 2008

My alarm goes off at 7:30 as usual, and, as usual, I press snooze every 5 minutes for an hour. At 8:30, Abbie wakes up; Matt changes her diaper, I nurse her, and then I get her half-dressed while Matt gets breakfast ready. Because her tummy was already pretty full from nursing, Abbie only ate a few bites of her pears. Cinnamon Pecan Special K for me and off-brand Raisin Bran with an organic apple for Matt. Our neighbor's trees are blooming!

After breakfast, I get Abbie ready to go to story time at the Jessamine County public library. At 9:47, they’re off (through the pouring rain)!

In the meantime, I clear the breakfast dishes under the brand new facet that Matt put in yesterday—Look! No duct tape! No leaking!!! And for the first time in three years, we finally have a working sprayer!

Get Matt’s very healthy lunch together (chicken, cheese, broccoli, carrots, strawberries, bananna, and yogurt):

Make coffee, so that I can resist the temptation to buy a latte at the library. Unfortunately, I didn’t rinse the travel mug well enough and my coffee tastes like Shaklee dish soap. Blah—although I must admit I did consider drinking it anyway.

At 10:20, after packing the diaper bag, I’m finally ready to go.

I get to the library hoping to have time to read for my class, but only end up reading about a page and a half before story time ends. While Matt gets our card stamped (we get a stamp every time we go to storytime, and after accumulating 5 stamps we can get a free book. We’ve already got 4 stamps!) I sit with Abbie while she enjoys how her loud voice sounds in the echoey hallway. We head home. At 11:30 I change Abbie’s diaper and outfit, nurse her, and put her down for a nap. Ahhhhh J Mommy time! I check Facebook, watch the beginning of What Not to Wear, and finally buckle down to do some reading. Abbie usually sleeps for 2.5-3 hours, so I am pretty annoyed when I hear her stirring, then talking, then crying beginning at 12:30! At 1:00 I get her up and get lunch ready.

Butternut squash, peas, mango and nectarine for her; chicken tortilla soup (i.e. bliss in a bowl) and a strawberry shake for me. Yum! I decide that an afternoon of playing in the living room isn’t a very exciting proposition, so at 2:00 I pack Abbie and her stuff into the car and head to Mother Nurture in Lexington to fetch a few large diaper covers, since hers have been leaking with the bigger diapers we bought earlier this month.

Success! 6 brand spanking new diaper covers are ours! We get home around 3:30 and due to much eye-rubbing on the way home, I nurse Abbie again and attempt to put her down for another nap. To no avail. I hear her rustling around in her crib for about 45 minutes, while I read a little more for class. When I finally go in to retrieve her, I find Abbie grinning and THIS in her crib:

I have no idea where this tag came from, or how she got her mitts on it, but nevertheless, there it was, half-eaten by my paper-eating monster! At least I know she got her daily allowance of fiber! And why she was so quiet for 45 minutes…

Matt gets home at 5:30. Horray!! While I get dinner ready (breaded pork chops, baked potatoes and green beans) and wash dishes, Matt plays with Abbie and then gets a shower. I’ve invited our friend Carrie, who is husband- and child-free this week over for dinner, so we enjoy a great dinner and conversation. Abbie gets acorn squash, broccoli, and applesauce for dinner.


After we finish eating (around 7:45) I give Abbie a bath, Matt changes her into her pj’s, I nurse her, and finally put her to bed at 8:00.

Carrie hangs out for a little while longer, then Matt and I cap off the evening with (even more) reading for class.


All in all, it was a very good day.

My own limitations

Right from the start, let me apologize for anything in this post that may be in any way offensive to anyone reading it. I don’t mean to offend, but I also don’t plan to censor my thoughts on this topic.

I’ve been volunteering at Step by Step, a ministry to pregnant teens and young single moms located in Lexington for about 7 months now. When I began with Step by Step at the beginning of September, I was so excited about the opportunity. I knew it would be hard work, and I knew I wouldn’t just “fit in” right away. I expected to be snubbed for a few months or maybe the whole year—just because I was going to be a new face and would need to prove my trustworthiness before I could enter into any real relationships with the girls. I certainly didn’t expect a cake walk, but I was committed. I didn’t know for sure that this was the population I was best suited to work with during and after grad school, but I was more than willing to give it a shot. So I took the plunge: I signed up to faithfully attend the bi-monthly meetings and co-lead a support group for the entire year (September-May)—I figured, if I’m really going to give this a shot, I’m not going to do a half-assed job.

In conjunction with the directors of Step by Step, my co-leader (who is actually THE leader of our support group; I’m there as sort of an observer/apprentice) chose to use the book Love and Respect as the main topic around which the support group would revolve. This topic was my second choice (after a group named “The Naked Truth,” which would discuss issues of sexuality, abstinence, and relationships) but as a new volunteer, I just went with my assignment.

Our support group was pretty full (4 or 5 girls) for the first two or three meetings. Girls came and went, trying to decide which group they would stick with. Of course, we hoped they would pick our group! But after the first few meetings, I had a feeling that the message of Love and Respect was not exactly applicable to young single moms. For those of you who’ve never read the book, let me give you a brief synopsis. The author’s main argument is that, according to Scripture, a man’s basic need is for respect, while a woman’s basic need is for love. In order to have a healthy marriage, then, women need to learn to unconditionally respect their husbands, and husbands must unconditionally respect their wives. The author falls just short of guaranteeing this ideal as fool-proof, and urges readers to implement his advice regardless of their spouses’ actions.

Now, I find nothing intrinsically wrong with the author’s viewpoint. In my opinion, a marriage cannot have too much love or respect, regardless of who is giving or receiving either. However, the assumptions of the book make translation and contextualization very difficult. First of all, the author assumes that not only are the readers Christians, but also that they value the covenant of marriage. Other assumptions (that are not so blatant) include a middle-class upbringing, the ability to envision future possibilities that differ from current realities, and…here’s the kicker… that the readers are white, or at least embrace the ideals of white middle-class America. Now, the average Step by Step girl has pretty much nothing in common with this picture of Eggerichs’ reader. She is very young, has at least one child (in most cases, she has at least two), has grown up in an impoverished, unstable and “mixed” family, relies heavily on welfare and other government programs to stay afloat, and is not white (or at least, not middle-class suburban white). She views marriage as a lofty ideal but will settle for a cheap engagement ring from her live-in boyfriend who sleeps around and impregnates several other women and refuses to change his behavior. She expects her life to look like what she’s always experienced.

When I leave the meeting, I get into my 2000 Honda which I own, have enough money for gas, and can legally drive because my out-of-state license hasn’t been retracted due to my minority race. I can drive home safely because I can read road signs and know what they symbolize. I know what will be happening when I arrive back at my house—which I own--in Wilmore: my healthy daughter will be comfortably asleep in her own room because my husband, who has stayed home with her the whole evening, will have changed her diaper and clothes, and will have put her to bed like every other night. When I open the front door, I know that the living room will be clean (because my husband will have picked up the toys, as he said he would), and will be sitting on our couch finishing his mid-term exam. If I feel hungry, I can grab something from the ample supply of food in our working refrigerator. If I want to check my email or watch tv, I know I can because no one will have turned of my cable. When I’m tired, I will go to bed with my husband from whom I am not worried about catching a sexually transmitted disease.

I am a white, married, middle-class American Christian woman and this is my life. And the average Step-by-Step girl has nothing in common with my experience of driving home to Wilmore.

To be honest, I can’t imagine life any other way. Yet, after working with single teen moms for only 7 months, I am completely exhausted. Their stories weigh down my heart. Their chaotic lives baffle me, and I worry about their children. Their habitual bad lifestyle choices anger me. I can’t wrap my mind around their second and third unplanned pregnancies. I don’t understand why they can’t get their lives together. But then I have to stop. What would it look like for young woman living in the inner city, stuck in poverty despite her education and motivation to work, to “get her life together?” Don’t I expect her to leave the city (and everything she’s ever known), buy a car, move into a clean apartment in the suburbs and begin attending a middle-class church? Why in the world would she ever want MY life? Yet how can she ever affect change in her own life unless she’s willing to take some serious risks?

To be honest, I feel very limited by my own station in life. It’s not just that I’m white. It’s that my vision of a healthy, normal, good life, has very very little in common with that of the average Step-by-Step girl. And to be honest, I’m not sure that I’m cut out for this kind of ministry. I used to believe that the ability to relate to another’s experience and values should not be a pre-requisite to ministering with a given population. And even now, I believe that I can minister to and effectively help most people, regardless of whether or not our experiences and values line up. But the truth is that the Step-by-Step girls can’t relate to ME, and therefore my ability to effectively minister to them is severely limited. I am the one put in the box. I am the one who can’t understand how life is for them, and so I am written off.

To be honest, this makes me really sad. I see a need that I cannot meet, even with God’s help. Should I stick with the ministry, hoping that time and shared experiences at the meetings will assist me in building relationships? Should I accept this experience for what it was, be thankful for what I’ve learned, and move on, using my energy and gifts in another capacity? If I stay, will I be motivated by a vain belief that I can build bridges and be used of God no matter where I am? If I leave, will I be giving up because “my need” to minister hasn’t been met at Step-by-Step? I hope not. I pray that God will give me a true and honest perspective of my capabilities and fitness to minister at Step-by-Step, staying if He impresses upon me to do so, or leaving for the same reason.

Easter in Canterbury

Exactly four years ago at this moment (5:30am, GST) I was on a charter bus crossing the English countryside to celebrate Easter morning in Canterbury and hear Archbishop Rowan Williams preach. I would have slept in and missed the bus if my wonderful fiance hadn't called to wake me up (a deed for which I am forever grateful!!). I attended morning vespers, communion, and finally the Easter Sunday service. It was fantastic. Not only did I get to hear Archbishop Williams preach and shake his hand while gushing about my love for his writings (I read several of his books and essays for different classes in Oxford), but I also got to meet and speak with Sister Benedicta Ward, who is a scholar and who has translated the work of the ancient Desert Fathers, giving English speaking Christians access to this part of our rich tradition. It was so powerful to worship with these siblings in Christ in Canterbury, the heart of Anglicanism and the center from which Christianity spread to England in the first century. It was an experience like no other and was definitely one of my favorite memories of living in England!

Easter pictures!!!!

No cheese, please!

Last month, Abbie tried cottage cheese for the first time. Of course, she wasn't thrilled with the taste (who is, really?), so I had the brilliant idea of mixing it with applesauce. THIS she liked. In fact, she downed probably three tablespoons of the mix. That was around 2pm.

Around 4pm she started to get fussy, so I decided to nurse her and put her down for a nap. I nursed her...and then all the milk came back up! A few minutes later, more! A few minutes later, even more! She kept throwing up for about an hour, at which point she started becoming frighteningly lethargic and losing her color. So Matt and I rushed her to the doctor, who said, to our surprise, that it looked like food poisoning to him. Scary! But I had had some cottage cheese too, and nothing happened to me. The whole thing was rather strange.

So yesterday afternoon I decided to try some normal, shredded mozzarella cheese with Abbie. Who knows! A month had passed, so she might be up for the challenge.

She probably ate about three shreds of cheese, and wasn't too happy about it. Oh well--I tried. After lunch we went shopping and she had no complaints. However, around 5pm, half-way through nursing she started to cry. Not the normal "I'm tired" cry--this was the "Mommy, my tummy hurts" cry. So I knew it was just a matter of time before the throwing up would begin. Sure enough, about 15 minutes later it happened. Thankfully, this time wasn't as bad and she bounced right back after about two hours of being sick.

All this to say, we apparently have a lactose intolerant kid on our hands. At least for now; I've heard kids can grow out of such allergies. But when? Nausea and vomiting are pretty severe reactions for having eaten such a little bit of dairy! I don't really want to risk it again anytime soon. anyone have any thoughts? Advice? Commiserations?

A note for my girl friends

I stumbled onto something really cool that's a healthier and more environmentally responsible way to handle my period. I've been using The Diva Cup for three (postpartum) months now and have absolutely no complaints! I highly recommend it--you should check it out! Just think of all the landfill space (and money!!!) we could save if we all used this instead!

What a mighty good man!

My wonderful husband took Abbie to story time at the library this morning--one of the very few dads who accompany their kids! In the meantime, I got to sit in the lobby, enjoy a cappuccino and catch up on some reading. What a great morning! Mornings like this make me so thankful for two reasons-- first, that Matt doesn't have to go to work until noon, and second, that my daughter has such a loving daddy.

Best birthday ever

I turned 25 last Sunday. It was a pretty big milestone for me--I am officially "mid-twenties," which comes as something of a shock, because I passed from being a teenager into a twenty-something without much fanfare. College ended, marriage started, a baby came, and now BOOM! I'm mid-twenties. In many ways, I still feel like a late teen. I'm not sure what being 25 (or 28 or 32 for that matter) is supposed to feel like! Am I supposed to start dressing differently? Am I supposed to have certain things checked off my life list by now? How do I know what those things are? But anyway, the glaring lack of appropriate rites of passage in our culture is not my present concern. :-)

Matt threw me a birthday party yesterday. Two of our friends hosted it at their house, and a bunch of our friends from church came and brought really good food. Then we just hung out, played games, and talked the whole evening. It was so much fun. I usually don't like being the center of attention--at least for no longer than it takes me to make a pun or tell a quick story. But I felt very loved at the party. It was just a bunch of friends hanging out.

AND I got some really cool presents this year. The most spectacular gift was from Matt. He gave me a gift certificate for an HOUR LONG massage. I still have yet to schedule an appointment. I may save it for mid-terms in a few weeks. Another wonderful...well, not gift, but investment we chose to make, was an elliptical for me (which Matt is currently assembling). This is something I've wanted for years. The only way I can "run" or get a good cardio workout, and now that Abbie naps during my prime work out time, it has been next to impossible to get to the gym to use their elliptical. I'm excited about being able to work out at home now!

So all in all, a spectacular birthday. I'm anticipating a very good 26th year.

9 month check-up

Abbie had her 9 month check-up this morning. She weighed 22 lbs., 2 oz. (93rd percentile), and 28.5 inches (87th percentile). The doctor was happy with her growth, her fine motor skills, and her babbling. He was a bit concerned about her gross motor skills, as she hasn't begun sitting up by herself or pulling herself to standing. Just this past week she started to lift up to hands and knees and scoot backwards. Also, when she stands, she stands on her tiptoes, which might indicate excessive tightness in her leg and hip muscles. He says that if that continues, we'll need to get her a physical therapist. But for now he just wants to give her some time, which makes sense to us. Some good news--her supernumerary nipple is fading! I'm very gald about that :-) She also got 4 shots, and since she has so many teeth, I didn't want to run the risk of her biting me if I nursed her during the ordeal. So we just held her, and it was definitely traumatic. Poor kid. But by the time we got home (which was only a 3 minute drive), she was smiling again. And now she's taking a very peaceful nap. It's so hard to believe that the next time she sees Dr. Coburn (hopefully--unless she gets sick!) she will be one year old!